Christian Droulers

Agile and flexible programmer

I am not invincible


It hurts. It really does. Like a knife through your heart, realizing you are not invincible is painful as hell. It happened a couple of days ago, when I was thinking in my bed. What led to those thoughts isn’t important. The only words I remember are “Hey, Maybe I’d be better off dead”. Everything I had learned, believed in and fought for shattered into a million pieces, like something you just built from scratch was torn apart in front of you, multiple times. I sat up on my mattress, slapped myself twice and a tear broke its way onto my cheek. I was not invincible, neither physically nor psychologically. I was breaking apart. How could I let my mind ponder over this stupid thought? How could I become such a weak‒minded bastard? Let a thought as dumb invade my mind, ever growing, never stopping, spreading its darkness through my mind, through my soul. Killing my will to live, to breath, to work, to play.

To love…

Now I’m scared; my mental barrier is falling apart… ‒ correction ‒ has fallen apart long ago. I’m scared of what I’ve already become and what this thing can make me change into. I’m mostly scared by the fact that it might make me become a lot more like myself. I think it is destroying that facade I’ve worked so hard to erect all those years. And slowly, the real me is uncovered, thrown naked where everyone can see it, with nowhere to hide. I have become what I refused to be: just like the rest of humanity.

I dream more often now. Weird dreams ‒ weirder than before ‒ that puzzle me. I’ve always tried to get something out of them; either meaning or pleasure. But those, the last ones, give me the feeling they mean something. I think they want me to realize it is time for something new, for something different to happen, for new experiences to be lived, for new people to be met. The latter scares me. I cannot convince myself which is the right thing to do. I’m thinking really hard about it. Two years of relationship create bonds and habits. I fear the loss and destruction of those. It feels like a lifetime with her. Would I be able to decimate, eradicate such feelings? She’s cute, she’s nice, she’s smart… She’s pretty much all I always wanted. What do I need in others I don’t have with her? Maybe it doesn’t matter, Maybe I just need to try and see. Maybe I just need to listen to my inner self and NOT think it all over for so fucking long. Wait, I did try. A while ago. Before it all started. And I couldn’t, I failed, I cried. I told her that we needed time apart, that I thought I needed to try stuff. But I fell, hard on the ground. Tears filled my eyes, wet my cheeks and made me take it all back. Now I’m afraid it will happen again and I’m afraid of the future that awaits me if I succeed.

I don’t even know if I’m writing this down to help myself or to make a story. Right now, I’m thinking about what more to write, I guess it helps, I’ve been over this page for two or three hours now. Helps me think it all over. I want it to stay. I want to remember what I am right now and laugh at it in ten years. I want to stay forever…

I want to be invincible.

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