I am not invincible
Joy
How long has it been? Two, maybe three months since I started writing this. I did succeed; I cried, she cried ‒ I knew she would ‒ , I screamed at the top of my lungs into the woods. But I succeeded and it’s over. We’re back together and though I haven’t got the chance to try anything, I’m glad it’s that way. I just could not bare not feeling her breath through mine, her skin brushing against mine. I lost those thoughts now. I want to prove that I’m different even if I know I’m not. I want to become less human. Get those stupid feelings out of my mind. But the more I try, the more I feel different. I regret saying things, I get spine chills when I’m moved by stories, by moments, by words, by images, by kisses. I even almost cried over a movie yesterday. I hate it and love it. I love to feel these chills, I feel good afterwards. But I hate to become something closer to a human.
I might not have changed my life the way I really wanted it, but I’ll have to make do. I try new things. I stopped thinking ahead so much. I try to live in the present, like I used to tell everyone while I ‒ being the hypocritical bastard I am ‒ did not even do it. I try to have fun, and it works! For all of this, I have two people to thank.
Camy, I thank you for being there for me this summer. I would probably have gone bad if it wasn’t for our three hours conversation until late in the night. If I hadn’t seen you smile and heard your laughter, if I hadn’t talked about things I never dared say before, if hadn’t smiled because you are so cute… For helping me take decisions and live my life, I thank you. I dare say it now, you are my best friend and I love you.
Julie, I thank you for being able to deal with me and my fucked up emotions, I’m still sorry for what I made you go through and I only hope it never has to happen again. I’m grateful you could hear my complaints and be there for me when I needed you. I’m sorry I lied about my feelings. But our relationship is what I like to call special and it was really hard, and I mean REALLY hard, to decide to break it up, even if it only lasted a week and a half. But I guess it was all worth it because now I know. I know that I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and I hope I never stop.